10 Apps Every Lazy Person Needs
By K. Thor Jensen, PC Magazine, 6 April 2017.
By K. Thor Jensen, PC Magazine, 6 April 2017.
It's the year 2017, and we're feeling a little cheated. By now, we were supposed to be pampered by robot manservants and "work" would be a word so bad you couldn't say it on TV or hologram or whatever. Alexa provides a glimpse of our AI-controlled future, but the idyllic view of life as a lazy man's paradise doesn't seem to be materializing just yet.
Or does it? Look down at your hand. No, your other one. You hold a computing device of such staggering power that it boggles the mind. Surely you can use it for more than just Instagramming burger pics. Use it to make people do things for you.
In this rundown, we'll lay out the essential apps for people who want to live large and lazy in the modern world. There are programs to park your car, put together your furniture, and even blow out the candles on your birthday cake.
If it's not too much work to install them all, you can use your phone to transform yourself into an immobile lump of flesh who has forgotten how to accomplish even the most basic tasks and is completely dependent on a wireless data network. And isn't that the dream? Pick up your phone and let's slack off to the future.
Hate parking your car? Have lousy depth perception? The geniuses behind Luxe are here for you. If by some miracle you manage to get off your ass and actually drive somewhere instead of taking an Uber, just fire up this app and they'll send a mobile valet to get your car from you and go through the annoying hassle of finding a legal spot. When you're ready for your car, they bring it to you. It's like you're eating at a swanky restaurant, but you can do it at Arby's. Luxe is currently available in San Francisco, LA, Chicago, Seattle, Austin, and New York. (iOS and Android)
Delivery apps are a dime a dozen, but Postmates takes things a bit further. Originally launched in San Francisco, it has now branched out to dozens of other locations. Instead of partnering with local retailers, Postmates uses a network of couriers to pick up orders from any retailer in their service area, including Chipotle. The company transfers credit card info and makes the purchase, which means that as long as you're okay handing over your financial data, you can get anything you want without moving more than two fingers. Your order might even be delivered by a robot. We truly live in a magical age. (iOS and Android)
Tired of cleaning your house? Maybe you've never cleaned your house because the very idea is exhausting? Enter Handy. This app lets you muster up cleaning crews, gardeners, handymen, and other service people at the click of a button. In the old days you'd have to flip through the Yellow Pages or venture into the wilderness of Yelp to find someone to do these things, but now you can get it all done from your phone. Clog your toilet? Pizza on the roof? Handy is there. Clog your toilet with a pizza? They can probably handle that, too. Handy is available in 35 locations in the US, Canada, and the UK. (iOS, Android)
TaskRabbit is sort of like the Walmart of laziness. Unlike other services, which specialize in a specific niche, you can get just about anything done with this one if you're willing to pay the price. It works sort of like a bizarre-world Craigslist: you post the job you need done, as well as a hidden maximum amount you're willing to pay. Workers then bid on the task with their minimum acceptable pay-off, and you pick the one you want. They can be big or tiny, so get creative, and for a few bucks you can have a house full of specialized servants taking care of your every need. (iOS and Android)
Who has the time to hit the laundromat? Folks in San Francisco, Los Angeles, and Washington, D.C., don't have to, thanks to Rinse. The laundry and dry cleaning firm operates on a route-based system; users can schedule a pickup (between 8 p.m. and 10 p.m.) online or via text. Pricing varies by service, but a regular machine wash and dry costs US$1.75 per pound. Rinse also does leather and repairs. (iOS, Android)
Finding people to do your chores can be tiring. Let's have a drink, shall we? But don't walk to the bar. Open the Thirstie app for on-demand alcohol. Simply choose your favorite bottles, or discover new ones, and select a delivery window - from one hour to one day. The digital butler/sommelier/mixologist currently delivers to most areas in Austin, Chicago, Dallas, Houston, Miami, Minneapolis, New York City, San Diego, San Francisco, and Toronto. Everyone else can tap into the mail-order service for delivery in fewer than three days. (iOS, Android)
7. Doctor On Demand
Do you have a nasty hangover now? Instead of wasting hours at the physician's office, why not bring the doctor to you? A 21st century house call, Doctors On Demand provides live video visits for US$49 each, complete with assessment and diagnosis, as well as prescriptions, when necessary. With a dozen experts on hand (including three psychologists), the app is aimed at sufferers of cold and flu symptoms, allergies, sports injuries, UTIs, anxiety, and depression, among other conditions. Remember to check whether Doctors On Demand works with your health insurance plan. (iOS, Android)
You know what's really exhausting? Thinking about stuff. The brain is the biggest consumer of calories in the entire body, and if you need that energy elsewhere you'll want to outsource as much thought as possible. Enter "decider" apps, which will handle life's big questions. Apps like Decide Now! on iOS (available in Lite and US$0.99 versions) and The Decider on Android let you pose questions and possible answers, and then spin a virtual wheel for the answer. Yes, it's a software program that ably handles the core functionality of human thought. That should be terrifying to you.
Owning a dog is a beautiful thing, a relationship of love and trust that is valuable for human and animal alike. But who has the time or energy to walk the damn thing? Enter Swifto, which gets people to take your dog out for their daily exercise (and bathroom break) and lets you track the whole thing with GPS. Yes, you can watch a little icon move around on a map and pretend that you're out there romping with your hound and using him to pick up girls, but you never have to touch another poop bag.
Okay, now things are getting ridiculous. If it's your birthday and you don't feel like mustering up the energy to puff out the candles on your cake, pay a buck and download Blower, which transforms your iPhone speaker into a miniature air puffer. Blower uses the vibrations created by low-frequency sound waves to move air in front of the speaker area, and it's strong enough to snuff small candles and puff a little bit of confetti for a tiny, incredibly sad party. Which, to be frank, if you're lazy enough to use all these apps, is the only party you're likely to have.
(Stephanie Mlot contributed to this story.)
Top image: Rinse app. Credit: Rinse/Facebook.
[Source: PC Magazine. Top image added.]